I sometimes hear them. Voices in the dark. They whisper to me in the night, from within the shadows of my mind. These voices kindle fear. They keep me awake when my body should be at rest. They drill into my consciousness. These words say, “You’re not enough,” or “This thing that you want will never happen.” They say, “Your body is sick. Your child is sick and your husband is sick. Even your dog is sick. You just don’t know it yet.”
I am taunted. Haunted. Tricked and deceived. In the light of day, I can silence these voices. I can turn them off. I see them for what they are. But in the dark of night, these words drip with both fear and a fraudulent veil of truth. I struggle. I’m not perfect. I don’t have a perfect method, but I’ve developed a few useful words to combat nighttime anxiety.
“YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH.”
You’re not enough. As a wife, you’re not enough. As a mother, you’re not enough. Your writing isn’t good enough. You don’t do enough. You do too much. You’re a failure.
We’ve all heard these words or something like them. You’ve probably spoken them to yourself. I have. But most recently, I hear these words at night, in the dark. I hear them from an inner voice that sounds like my own, but that inner voice is not me. Not really. When I told my husband about the thoughts I have in the middle of the night, he said, “That is not your voice. That is Satan.” That made me step back. I absolutely think he’s right. I’m under attack. Or rather, Satan is using my inner voice to attack me.
Satan works in the quiet, still hours of night. He wraps up all of our fears, all of our deepest thoughts, and speaks them back to us in the voice we know most intimately. Our own.
“THIS THING THAT YOU WANT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.”
How many of my past hopes and dreams have come to fruition? So many. I was single for many years. I desperately wanted a husband and a family. Now I have both. When my husband and I got married, we found ourselves completely strapped by our combined student loans. I thought we’d never achieve financial stability. We did. And then again, when we lost all of our possessions to toxic mold, I couldn’t see how we would ever financially recover. Again, we have. I feared that we would never find a safe house in which to live. Our current home is beautiful and in it, I have healed. I used to be afraid that I would never heal from my years and years of chronic illness, but I live an active, healthy life today.
In so many ways, God has given me all the things I’ve ever wanted. Yet in the dark, I hear a voice. It warns me. It tells me that I will never get the next big thing that I want.
That voice is not my own. It’s certainly not the voice of God. The voice that speaks my fears in the dark is that of Satan. He distracts me from the many gifts that I’ve already been given. He lays doubt and seeks to feed nighttime anxiety.
“YOUR BODY IS SICK. YOUR CHILD IS SICK AND YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK. EVEN YOUR DOG IS SICK. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT YET.”
I was sick for years. I collected autoimmune diseases and related conditions like it was a hobby. For more than three years, every three months on average, I was diagnosed with something big and new. I was told over and over again that my body was broken. This created so much fear in me. For years, I lived in fear of the next diagnosis. I was afraid of the ones I’d already collected and what they might mean for my quality and length of life. Even after calming those fears, and calming the fire in my body, the old neural pathways of fear are a favorite for Satan. At one time, they were cut deep, and well tread. The voices that I hear in the night direct me back to the precipice of that well-cut path.
“Your body is sick. Your child is sick and your husband is sick. Even your dog is sick. You just don’t know it yet.” The voices try to convince me that the next diagnosis is about to drop. It might not be mine. But it’ll belong to someone I love. Cancer. Autoimmune disease. A life-altering disability. A life-ending condition. Satan knows the fears I’ve felt in the past. He dangles them in front of me, because he knows it’s easy for me to fall back into the ruts of that path.
THE VOICE IS YOUR OWN, BUT IT’S NOT YOU
The voices sound like my own. They sound like my thoughts. Like I’m having some kind of grand revelation, some stroke of genius, some brilliant thought that I just could never come up with in the light of day. The truth is, though the voice is my own, the master of that voice is not me.
Satan is powerful. He seeks to harm God’s children. He looks for vulnerabilities. Satan looks for weakness, and he pushes us into our own fears. Maybe you’ve experienced this as well. Maybe you’ve heard your own voices in the night. They might even sound like you. If those voices are pushing you to a point of fear or despair or panic, know that the voices are not your own.
So what are we to do then? How do we cast out these inner voices that haunt and terrorize our thoughts in the dark? How do we turn back this nighttime anxiety?
SPEAK INTO THE DARKNESS
Speak. Shout into the darkness. Speak against the lies that sound like your own inner voice. When I lay awake at night, taunted by these thoughts and more, I first cast Satan away from my consciousness. Audibly, I whisper, “Satan, be gone from here. I am God’s. I belong to him. Your lies are not welcome in this place.” That may sound crazy. But I think it’s powerful.
GRACE
I continue by remembering scripture that speaks to me in my point of anxiety. To combat, “You’re not enough,” I think about 2 Corinthians 12:9. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t have to be “enough” for everyone around me. God’s grace covers me, even when I’m not enough. Especially then. He works his will through my weakness. God is enough. His love is enough. His grace and forgiveness are enough to overcome my nighttime anxiety.
TRUST
When I hear, “This thing that you want will never happen,” I remember Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” I can’t control every circumstance ahead of me. But I can trust, that God is in control. I can remember the blessings he’s already given to me. I can submit my will to him, and ask that God grant whatever thing I want if it be his will and his time.
STRENGTH
To, “Your body is sick. Your child is sick and your husband is sick. Even your dog is sick. You just don’t know it yet,” I throw out Isaiah 41:10. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God is with me even when I hear voices in the night. He has not left me alone. He is my strength. My shield. Through scripture, God has breathed the words I must speak back to Satan. He’s given you and I these words for our benefit. Say them. Speak into the darkness. Drive back your nighttime anxiety. Cast out the one who speaks vile words with your own voice. The voice is not your own.
