To the Pastor’s Wife – From a Pastor’s Wife

October is Pastors’ Appreciation Month. While March is technically set aside as the month to celebrate pastors’ wives, I’ve never seen it acknowledged in the real world. Because that seems like a lesser known time, I’d like to take this month, Pastors’ Appreciation Month, to address my fellow pastors’ wives. “To the Pastors’ Wife – From a Pastors’ Wife” is my effort to open a dialogue between pastors’ wives, or even just provide a private resource for those who don’t yet have a mentor.

I’ve been a pastor’s wife for thirteen years now. I certainly do not know everything there is to being a pastor’s wife. I have my own peers and mentors that I still lean on for support and encouragement. That said, I’d like to explore some of the questions that seem to circulate within the community of pastors’ wives. For some of these, I feel that I’ve gained experience worthy of sharing. For others, I feel that I’m still finding my own way through, so I’ll share words that my mentors have shared with me.

If you’re not a pastor’s wife, but have a pastor’s wife at your church, I still encourage you to read this post. Perhaps you’ll find a way in which you can be of service to her. Maybe you’ll learn to understand her a bit better. If nothing else, you can catch a glimpse of her likely concerns and struggles, and thus learn how to lift her up her in prayer.

“WHAT IF I DON’T FEEL CALLED TO BE A PASTOR’S WIFE?”

Some pastors’ wives meet their husband once he’s already a pastor. This was my case. I knew that if we married, I would become “The Pastor’s Wife.” Probably many more pastors’ wives meet their husband in the stage where he plans to become a pastor. It’s a known future. There are some women, though, who marry an accountant or teacher or engineer, only to find out years later that their husband feels called to the ministry. This was the case with my parents.

No matter the path to becoming a pastors’ wife, the question can still arise, “What if I don’t feel ‘called’ to be a pastor’s wife?” For a pastor, we interpret a “calling” to be within God’s will. It is God’s will that a pastor dedicate his life to speaking and sharing God’s word. It is God’s will that a pastor spend his time serving others by teaching, counseling, leading, and spiritually guiding God’s people. Is the calling of a pastor’s wife the same calling? In other words, must a pastor’s wife be called into ministry with her husband? This is the question we must answer.

I believe that every pastor’s wife has the same calling as any other wife, no matter her husband’s profession. As a pastor’s wife, our only “calling” is to our husband. We are to support him in his efforts of ministry. We are to lift him up so that he can serve others. Praise his efforts when a sermon truly speaks to your heart. Privately, be a sounding board. Care about the ministry where he spends his time. Attend church there, and be part of that Christian community. But ultimately, as a pastor’s wife, our calling is not to any church or ministry. Our calling is to support our husband.

“WHAT IF I DON’T FIT THE PASTOR’S WIFE MOLD?”

The pastor’s wife is supposed to wear a tea-length, modest dress at all times. She must quietly discipline her five children while playing the organ and leading the church choir. She must be the head of the altar guild, teach Sunday school, and be present at every church event until the end of time. Of course she will prepare five dishes for every pot-luck dinner to be sure that there is enough food on the table. She must never be late. She must smile and be friendly with everyone. On Sunday morning, she should always be ready to take a message for her husband. She must be involved in ministry, the exact right amount, without overstepping or underwhelming people’s expectations of her.

The truth is that every church has an unspoken mold which they expect the pastor’s wife to fit into. This is often based off of the previous pastor’s wife or their impression of what a pastor’s wife should be. But remember, she is not called to the church as her husband is called to the church. The pastor’s wife should be free to be herself. She should serve where and when she chooses to serve. Ultimately, her greatest service is to her husband and her family.

Each pastor’s wife is gifted differently. While one may excel in leadership or planning, another may work best in the background. One may play the piano or organ, while another may not be able to read music or sing a melody. One may joyfully greet everyone with a genuine smile or hug on Sunday morning, while another may feel painfully uncomfortable in a crowd. There is no right or wrong. No perfect mold. There is only the woman who is married to the pastor.

“WHAT IF MY FEAR IS GREATER THAN MY JOY?”

I’m the daughter of a pastor. I spent much of my young-adult life trying not to marry a pastor. I mean, who even has that as an actual goal? Me. I’ve never enjoyed the call process. I want to choose where I live. (I struggle with that to this day.) As a pastor’s child, I was in a different school for third, fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth grades. I craved stability. I feared my dad receiving a call to a new church in a new town. Our financial hardships were not a secret to me. My parents did not own a house to call home until I was a senior in high school. As a teen, when I thought of my dad’s calling, his ministry, I felt more fear than joy.

So why did I marry a pastor? I joke that God had to break me first. I always knew that I wanted God to come first in any relationship, but I couldn’t find a partner whose faith mattered to them as much as it mattered to me. Aside from one short-lived relationship, I was single until I was twenty-nine. I desperately wanted a family of my own; a family rooted in God’s word. So when I came across a pastor’s profile on Christian Mingle, I decided I’d give it a shot. Our relationship was everything that I’d been looking for, except for his job.

Obviously, I decided to accept the “calling” of pastor’s wife. I chose it, not because I’d always wanted such a thing, but because God carefully led me to a place where I could accept it. If I’d met David (my husband) ten years earlier, I don’t think we’d be together. I wasn’t yet ready to overcome my fear of life in ministry.

“WHAT DO I DO WITH THE FEAR?”

I still have fears about life in ministry, but they are no longer as oppressive as they were when I was a child. I know that I cannot create joy within myself when fear fills the space of my heart. All I can do is speak my fears to God. He works within me to create joy in any circumstance. I am still afraid of instability. I am still afraid of financial hardship. But through my years of being a pastor’s wife, I’ve seen God step in to quiet both of those fears.

When toxic mold forced us to leave the home that had been provided for us in Michigan, I felt crushed by fear of the unknown. At the same time, we were facing the greatest financial struggle of our lifetime. We lost everything, every single possession, to that toxic mold. Insurance denied our claim. We moved our family (my husband, myself, and our four year old son) into an empty apartment. My husband carried one trash bag with five changes of clothes each. I carried a bag of groceries. That’s it. That’s all we had. We slept on the floor of that apartment for months. That terrible time probably served as the greatest lesson that I’ve ever learned.

God meets us in our fear. He calms the storm. He provides. God gives stability. In time, through the generosity of his people, God met our every need. So yes, there is still fear. I sometimes wallow in it. But God proves again and again that he is there. We are not alone. And if I can remember the moments when he met us in our pain, I find joy. That joy is strong enough to grow more. So maybe the fear is never gone, but neither is God.

“WHAT IF I’VE BEEN HURT BY GOD’S PEOPLE?”

I wish I could say that life in ministry is all sunshine and roses. I’ve met maybe two retired pastors’ wives who’ve said they made it through the years unscathed. But the reality is that, at one time or another, most families in ministry will be hurt by God’s people. Though God’s people are forgiven and redeemed, they are yet sinners. The pastor’s wife and the pastor are forgiven and redeemed, but also sinners. Sin hurts people. Sin fosters miscommunication, hurt feelings, and the blind judgment of others.

I once met a pastor’s wife with several young children. Her children were the only kids in church regularly. At one particular elders’ meeting, a vote was cast. She was then told that she must sit in the balcony with her children, because children are a distraction to those who “pay attention” during worship. Can you imagine the hurt? Whether intended or not, she felt exiled from her own church community. Her children had not been inappropriate or overtly hysterical. They were just wiggly and young. Her husband intervened on her behalf, but the elders only accepted a compromise. She must move their family to the downstairs back row. These children were judged for being children. The pastor’s wife and her husband were deeply hurt by their family’s purposeful rejection from worship. Sin hurts people.

In my husband’s years of ministry, we’ve also felt deep hurt. We’ve experienced gossip, lies, judgement, and betrayal. No matter the kind of hurt, or the uniqueness of any situation, it all comes back to sin. Sin hurts people. Sin cannot be a reason to quit or run away. In fact, sin is the reason for ministry. Sometimes God’s people hurt each other. Our practical experience with sin only amplifies our need for God’s forgiveness and grace.

“CAN I HAVE FRIENDS IN THE CHURCH?”

This is probably the question I struggle with the most. In speaking with mentors and peers, I’ve heard both extremes. Some pastors’ wives tell me that you can be “friendly” with other women in the church, but not “friends.” I’ve had other pastors’ wives tell me that in each church their husband has pastored, they’ve always had a “best friend” among the women there.

My husband has pastored three churches. In our thirteen years of ministry together, I’ve found that most women avoid my friendship. Perhaps that’s a standard set by pastors’ wives who’ve gone before me. I think that sometimes, people feel awkward around the pastor’s family, as though all their words and deeds will be judged behind closed doors. I’ve also been burned by a friendship within the church. The hurt left behind makes it hard for me to seek out and trust another.

Though it sounds callous and cold, I think I’m in the camp of “friendly,” but not “friends.” My deepest adult friendship was with another Lutheran woman who did not attend our church. With her, I could truly be open and honest. I was not her “pastor’s wife”. My husband was not her “pastor”. We were just Jen and Dave. Though I have people in my church now that I call friends, I feel like that definition is also guarded. Our friendship is on another plane. I try to be open, honest, and real, but there are some things I just cannot speak. 

For pastors’ wives, I think the position is often lonely. It’s very hard to find true depth in friendship. I encourage all pastors’ wives, whether new or seasoned, to find friendship within the ranks of other pastors’ wives. There, you can be vulnerable. There, you can truly be seen.

TO THE PASTOR’S WIFE – FROM A PASTOR’S WIFE

The position of “pastor’s wife” is not an easy one to fill. People carry preconceived notions of what the pastor’s wife should look like, how she should speak, and how she should contribute to ministry. The position is often lonely and isolating. If you’ve asked yourself these questions, please know that you’re not alone. Reach out to other pastors’ wives, be it your own denomination or another. Our circumstances are very similar, if not the same. Know that God can turn fear into joy. God can turn hurt into renewed purpose. Whether you “feel” called or not, ask God to help you support your husband in his calling. God can work through any weakness, uncertainty, or doubt. 

If you are not a pastors’ wife, but know one, please lift her up in prayer. Show her grace over judgement. Strive for understanding over criticism. Remember that as pastor’s wife, her primary responsibility is to her husband. At the end of the day, your pastor’s wife loves Jesus and wants everyone in your church and community to know his love too. You and your pastor’s wife are on the same team.