March is Pastor’s Wife Appreciation Month. Many people don’t know this. Many churches don’t even recognize this as “a thing.” There’s a day or week or month for just about every profession. It’s hard to keep up with them all. And being a pastor’s wife isn’t really a profession, right? It’s just life. “Pastor’s wife” is often a title she didn’t choose. Sometimes it’s one she didn’t want. Whether it’s March or September, there are unique challenges and blessings that come along with the title of “pastor’s wife.” The truth is, you can show love and support for your pastor’s wife during Pastor’s Wife Appreciation Month or at any point during the year.
(Disclaimer: I write this article as a pastor’s wife. This is the inside scoop as I see it.)
THE CHALLENGES OF BEING A PASTOR’S WIFE
There are many challenges that come along with being a pastor’s wife. A pastor must be available twenty-four seven. Emergency calls come during family dinner, in the middle of the night, and during children’s recitals. A funeral will delay or otherwise interrupt family vacation. Many churches overcommit the pastor’s time with responsibilities four and five nights a week. I’ve been there. I did the bedtime routine alone almost every night for five years. On Sunday mornings, the pastor’s wife will ready the children for church and sit alone with her family. She will commune without her husband. Very often, the pastor’s wife feels like a single parent.
The pastor’s wife is often separate from other women in the congregation. Sometimes this is because people are afraid to let the pastor’s wife see their metaphorical “dirty laundry.” They don’t want the pastor (or his wife) to know how they live outside of church. At other times, people assume that the pastor’s wife would prefer distance from the members. For some, that may be true, but it shouldn’t be assumed for all.
Many churches expect the pastor’s wife to sort of “work for free,” like she’s an extension of her husband. Even if that’s not the case, the pastor’s wife is often overcommitted as she helps with Sunday School, the Altar Guild, the Youth Group, or other church events. She’s asked to fill in for the secretary. She takes out the trash. The pastor’s wife spends many, many hours behind the scenes in support of her husband.
The pastor’s wife is sometimes subject to criticism and gossip. Her children are too loud. Her husband isn’t as “good” as the previous pastor. She should do more. She should speak less. “Pastor’s Wife” is sometimes a heavy title to carry.
THE BLESSINGS OF BEING A PASTOR’S WIFE
There are many challenges that come with the pastor’s wife life, but there are blessings too. (I’ll admit this portion is harder for me to write. I’ve probably experienced more challenges as a pastor’s wife…or maybe it’s that the challenges root more deeply in my memory. However it’s gone down, it’s good to purposefully focus on the blessings too.)
The pastor’s wife has a front row seat to the way in which the Lord uses her husband and her family in ministry. God can use any situation for his glory. He can turn conflict into growth. He can use a hurtful situation to renew purpose within his workers. The pastor’s wife is often able to see God’s hand at work in her life and in the life of her husband.
While the pastor’s wife may struggle to develop deep relationships at church, this is not always the case. Some pastors’ wives are able to nurture meaningful, confidential friendships within the church. There may be opportunity for multigenerational mentor-mentee relationships. Sometimes there are adopted grandparents or adopted family when true family is far away.
Pastor’s wives sometimes see the generosity of members as the pastor’s family is financially supported through trying times. They may witness the power of prayer as members intercede on the family’s behalf. The pastor’s wife is able to meet many people and, in general, the people of the church know and welcome her presence.
There are always blessings in ministry, even in hard seasons. Sometimes these are hard for the pastor’s wife to see or feel. I challenge every pastor’s wife to look for the good. Even in the worst of situations, it’s there, because God is there, and he is for you.
TEN WAYS TO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOUR PASTOR’S WIFE
If you are reading this as a lay person, here are ten ways that you might show love for your pastor’s wife. Remember these ideas during Pastor’s Wife Appreciation Month (March), or at any point during the year.
OFFER HELP
- It is often true that pastors serve far from family. To show love for your pastor’s wife, offer to babysit. Most pastor’s families that I know cannot afford to pay a babysitter and go out to dinner. Maybe your pastor and wife need a date night, or maybe your pastor’s wife would like a quiet afternoon to herself. Offer to do one or both. A regular, standing offer is even better.
- Do you have a skill that might be of aid to the pastor’s wife? Can you offer to help with a personal business logo, with a hobby interest, or with maintenance around the house or yard? Learn the needs and interests of your pastor’s wife so that you can offer help where and when it seems appropriate. (Some pastor husbands have all the home maintenance well in hand. Others spend too much time at work or are not skilled when it comes to handy work. Get to know your pastor and his wife so that you know when and where it may be appreciated to offer help.)
- Bless the pastor’s wife by offering to drop off a meal. This opportunity is not right for every situation. Some families have food allergies that make this option tough. But if you know the family well, and know what they can eat, and what they like, take them a home cooked meal. Your pastor’s wife will appreciate your thoughtfulness, especially during a busy week or busy season.
GIVE A GIFT
- To show love for your pastor’s wife, give her a small gift to let her know that you’re thinking of her and thankful for her. This might be garden seeds, a book, new pens for her Bible, or a package of her favorite tea. Small gifts can hold big love.
- If you’re blessed to be able to do so, give your pastor’s wife a special gift. First learn her interests, likes, and dislikes. Maybe you can give her a gift card for a spa day or a gift card to a restaurant she likes. Gift an overnight stay at a nearby resort or vacation town. There are many luxuries that are outside the scope of a pastor’s salary. If you’re able to bless the pastor’s wife with something special, make it happen.
OFFER SUPPORT
- Ask your pastor’s wife how you can pray for her specific needs. If she doesn’t have anything to share, tell her that you’ll pray for her strength and peace during her husband’s ministry.
- Look your pastor’s wife in the eye, and meaningfully ask “How are you doing today?” This might seem small or insignificant, but it’s powerful if you truly wait for a response and listen well. Maybe she will not feel comfortable divulging an honest answer, but over time, when this question is repeated each week, (I believe) the answers will become more open and honest. Ask this question meaningfully.
- Extend a special invitation to join your family during the holidays. In most cases, the pastor’s family is far from their own family members. An invitation may be accepted gratefully. (It’s also okay if the pastor’s wife would prefer to start new traditions in her own home. Don’t be offended if your offer is graciously declined. The offer itself is still meaningful.)
- If your pastor’s wife is the type to appreciate it, give a warm hug. Make it tight. Let her know that she’s appreciated. Needed. Wanted. (Some people are uncomfortable with this type of personal touch. Learn your pastor’s wife’s personality and respect her boundaries.)
- God placed your pastor’s wife in your church, just as he purposefully placed her husband there too. She is meant to be a blessing to you in this time and place. Convey your gratitude with a thank-you card or by your kind words and actions. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Speak warmly to her and about her. If you hear others gossiping, don’t participate. Be an advocate for your pastor’s wife. (We’re all sinners. No one is perfect. Lift her up and extend grace wherever you can do so.)
