We live in a hyper-sexualized culture. Sexual images populate bilboards, magazines, TV, and film. Sex sells fashion and otherwise mundane products. Pornography is readily accessible from the phone that we all carry. How do we, as Christian parents, raise children to understand God’s design for sex? While the world perverts sexuality, God designed it to be a pure, pleasurable act for marriage. Can we convey a right, Godly understanding to our children when perhaps we were never taught God’s design in our own sexual education? I believe the answer is yes. We can correct the miscommunication or lack of communication that was modeled to us in our own childhoods. We can talk to our children about God’s design for biblical sexuality.
IT BEGINS WITH IDENTITY
As Christians, we can proudly proclaim, “Because I’m a child of God, I am loved, chosen, forgiven, and redeemed.” This is the core of our identity. God tells us who he made us to be. In Genesis, we are told that God made humans, both male and female. He made them to become one flesh. In the book of Psalm, we are told that God formed our inward parts. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Bible repeatedly cautions us against sexual immorality. Each warning against sexual immorality shows us the brokenness that divides God and man. In 2 Samuel, we see the result of rape, in both the woman’s shame and desolation, as well as the man’s guilt and hate-filled heart. But these examples of immorality and even rape are man’s perversion of sexuality, not God’s intention.
God created us for union. Adam was not complete without Eve. We are complete, one flesh, in the marriage relationship as God designed it to be. To discuss sexuality with our children, we have to begin with identity. As Christians, our identity is not found in another person. Our identity is not chosen by us or somehow created by us. We don’t “find” ourselves in the world. God speaks our identity over us. In his word, God tells us who we are meant to be. This context is a necessary filter when seeking to introduce the concept of biblical sexuality with children.
“THE TALK”
Before writing each of the articles in this series, I led a class at my church on each topic. When I polled the Christian adults in the room, 100% of us had either “the talk” from our parents, or no discussion at all involving sexuality. None of us had an ongoing dialogue regarding biblical sexuality. For those of us who received “the talk,” we were generally presented with scientific information. If that information was tied back to a Christian understanding at all, it was simplified as, “God wants you to wait until marriage.” There was no deeper study involved. There were no scripture references given. No real reason was given for such an understanding. For all of us, the biblical understanding of sexuality was glossed over or not presented at all. As Christian parents, I think we can do better for our children.
If you take away anything from this article at all, I hope it’s that “the talk” is inadequate. As Christian parents, we should strive to have an open, ongoing dialogue with our children regarding God’s design for sex. There is no shame in marital sex. There is no shame in talking about sex within God’s design for marriage. I believe that if there is “the talk,” it should be used to help children solidify an understanding that already exists. “The talk,” should also not be an end point in communication regarding sex. It should be just one stop on a spectrum of open communication.
FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, ANSWER QUESTIONS
Children are inquisitive. They notice or learn about reproduction in the animal kingdom. They see the over-sexualization of commercials and TV programming. All of this raises questions. Instead of responding with, “I’ll tell you about that when you’re older,” or “You’re not ready for that,” answer all questions honestly. I think if we provide just the information our children are asking for, and not too much information, they will come to understand sex at the age that is appropriate for each of them. Let me give you an example.
When my three years old saw me buying feminine products, he asked me what they were for. I explained that women have a uterus, which is where babies grow. Each month, blood cells build up in the lining of the uterus to get ready for a new baby. If there’s no baby, the lining of the uterus sheds away and a woman has to somehow collect the blood so that it does not make a mess of her clothing. I pointed out that God made women so that our bodies can create life. That’s it. He didn’t need more. He didn’t ask how a baby gets in there. That was enough.
Slowly, over time, questions came in layers so that I could give a little bit more information each time. Just enough. If he asked a follow-up question, I answered that too. Eventually, by about seven, I got the question, “But how does the baby get in there?”
The thing is, if you have an open and ongoing dialogue with your children, it’s not weird to talk about sex and reproduction. They trust you to answer their questions. They trust that you are a safe place to come for information. There is no awkwardness.
DON’T WAIT TOO LONG
This is not the world that we grew up in. The internet has changed everything. Pornography is available on every screen in your home. Pornography is a broken depiction of sex. If we are not up front and intentional with our children, they will learn about sex from an outside source (even if by accident). In America, the majority of children have watched pornography by the time they are twelve. As parents, we want our words to be our child’s first reference for sex over an accidental online exposure or a chatty friend on the school bus.
When my son was six, he had a neighborhood friend that would come to play in our backyard. This boy was eight at the time, but carried around his own iPhone. More than once, I saw him calling my son to a corner of the yard to stare down at his screen. I quickly made a rule that to play in my backyard, he must leave is phone sitting up on my deck. By his choice, he doesn’t come around anymore. In the world that we live in, we have to make rules that didn’t exist in our own childhoods. It’s our job to protect our children, but also to help them form a right and true understanding of biblical sexuality.
A DEPARTURE FROM 90’S PURITY CULTURE
A lot of us Christian parents today were raised in the midst of 90’s purity culture. The words “purity” and “virginity” were used often. In this “true love waits” culture, sex was sort of presented as the one thing teens shouldn’t do. The thing is, I can’t remember grace and forgiveness being a part of the discussion. Some Christian teens will mess up. They will succumb to hormones and feelings. Some may be violated against their will, even when personal intentions were pure. Words like “purity” and “virginity” put emphasis on one single act. Once that act has been completed, what comes next? In 90’s purity culture, there really was no discussion of “after.”
When talking about sex with older teens, I prefer the word “chastity” in place of “virginity.” “Chastity” can be achieved even after an indiscretion. Later in life, it can be a focus for those who are widowed or divorced. “Virginity” once lost is never returned, but “chastity” is attainable by all who are single.
When speaking about sex with an older child, God’s grace and forgiveness need to be part of the discussion. There is no unforgivable sin. God’s grace and mercy cover us in every way that we fail to fulfill God’s design for humanity. If your child should approach you with a confession that they’ve had sex, please apply God’s grace and forgiveness before a lecture. The truth is, if your child is confessing to you, they’re likely in pain and in need of pardon. Forgiveness does not negate natural consequences. Our teens need to know that sex outside of marriage brings emotional baggage into a future marital relationship. If you have experience with such consequences, be open and honest about your own past. Your children can learn from the consequences of your indiscretions.
GOD’S DESIGN FOR HUMANITY
All of humanity has fallen from what God intended. Sex is not a creation of sin, though. God created the “one flesh” relationship between man and woman in the Garden of Eden. It is a pre-fall creation. Sex in marriage is not sinful. It is not shameful. It’s God’s design for unity and intimacy.
Our children should know, that like anything else, humans can and do corrupt God’s intentions. We can twist sex into something evil. We can use it for another’s harm. It can cause great emotional pain and personal torment. But that is not the intent of God. It’s only when we take what he created and manipulate it to exist outside of his “rules of engagement” that sex becomes corrupt or dishonorable.
We should ground our children in a Christian identity that marks them as “loved, chosen, forgiven, and redeemed.” God declares these things over us. When we can see ourselves the way that he sees us, we can treat our bodies, our temples, with the respect and honor that he intends. We can approach one another with Christian love and support one another as we stand against the culture of this world. We can pray for our children and their future spouse, that they would know God’s biblical design for sexuality. And we can pray for our own relationships, that they might be honorable and pleasing examples before the Lord and before our children.
If you need the help of a Christian resource to help you with appropriate conversations for young children, I recommend The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality and The Good and the Beautiful’s “Maturation and Sexual Reproduction.” (Amazon affiliate link.)
OTHER POSTS IN THIS SERIES
Integrating the Faith at Home: Raising Children to Know Their Christian Identity
Second Week: Practical, Innovative Habits
Third Week: Unusual Compassion and Grace
Fourth Week: The Value of Christian Relationships
Fifth Week: Introducing Biblical Sexuality
Sixth Week : Faith-Filled Digital Citizens
Seventh Week: Managing God’s Wealth
Eighth Week: Professional and Personal Vocation
For another post that I’ve written on Christian Identity, see Christian Identity and Personal Wellness.
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