Betrayed by the Body – Life with Ulcerative Colitis

What Should and Should Not Be

Food is defined this way: “Any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink and absorb in order to maintain life and growth.” This should be absolute truth. We should not be betrayed by food. We should not be betrayed by the body.

What Is

But what happens when you can’t eat? What happens when your God-given body cannot perform its most basic function? What happens when you are betrayed by the body?

I’m here, once again, friends. Betrayed. Two weeks ago, I began to experience symptoms of an ulcerative colitis flare. For me, the first sign is always fatigue, followed by the passing of visible, undigested food. From that point, I tend to deteriorate quickly.

Hope Offered

I’m working with a new integrative gastroenterologist. His first suggestion, before things got too bad, was to fast. He pointed me to some research that links fasting to a decrease in TNF alpha, which often drives gut inflammation. I fasted for 24 hours and then went into a period of intermittent fasting where I only consumed food in a four hour window, fasting the remaining twenty hours of the day.

For two days, I did this intermittent fasting. By the third day, I felt much better. My fatigue had abated. I was able to leave the house and go about my normal routine. That lasted for just one day, though, and then I tanked. Hard. My stool liquified. Then came the blood. The pain. The deep, debilitating fatigue. At that point, the choice to fast became a necessity. I saw this when eating one egg with half a mashed avocado left me writhing on the floor for hours.

When Hope Fails

It’s been over a week of eating next to nothing. I’ve been to the ER for IV steroids (Solumedrol). I’m home on 40 mg Prednisone. But I still can’t eat. And this has left me pondering the question, what does one do when betrayed by the body?

Our bodies are designed to heal. They are designed to take in nourishment and use it as fuel. But my body is broken, like many others with this disease. My body cannot digest. It cannot absorb. This is the most surreal, heartbreaking phenomenon of my existence.

These are the things I am craving:

Not pizza, doughnuts, or fries. I want real, nourishing food, and at this point, my body will not accommodate.

So What Now?

I think the answer comes in two parts.

First, I pray. I pray for God to heal my colon. That He might remove the inflammation that threatens my life, my very existence. I pray that I can be the wife and mother and writer I want to be.

This prayer life is hard. HARD. It’s hard, because I don’t see immediate results. I don’t see God’s hand in my healing. That shakes my faith and makes me cry out, “Why, God? Why me?” I know that God is the great healer. I know that he healed the lame man, the blind man, and that he raised Lazarus from the dead. This, I believe. And so I continue to cry out for help and healing.

The second answer makes me tired and sad just thinking about it. I’ve walked this exact path three times in the past year and a half. I know what it takes to come back from it. Eventually, God willing, my body will begin to tolerate small amounts of food. I will puree everything that goes in, and then slowly progress from purees to soft, well cooked foods. I know this journey. How slow it is. How tiresome. I know that for weeks and months, my diet will look more like baby food than the nourishing, solid meals I crave. I don’t look forward to it. But it is what it is.

In This Moment

For now, I know that my body is not ready for food. For now, I continue to cry out to my God and Savior. In this moment, all I can do is look to my favorite bible verse, and know that I am not alone.

And that verse continues, “When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”

I will come through this trial. And God will be with me.

Though I’ve been betrayed by this earthly body. Though I despair in pain.

I am not alone.